Process of Recovery
by Kare Uta
Summary: Disregarding the end of the series AGAIN. There are just some things that one needs to do before they could start recovering, and that's making sure they have the right people by their sides, from family, to friends, to lovers. Oneshot. CassianxJizabel.


**Process of Recovery**

Taking one step forward and two steps back was something that Jizabel had easily learnt at a young age. With his health constantly declining and every attempt at trying to make him better failing it was a lesson that he had long learnt. The recovery process of anything would never be easy, and people would constantly have their weakened moments.

Even while he knew this the shock of the state he found himself in brought him trembling and with tears running down his cheeks. After some time of sobbing, sitting curled up in a ball and gripping his arms with a painful pressure he began to feel himself on the brink of insanity once more.

Cassian had long sat up in bed seemingly by the sound of the strained bawling; although it had been the fact that he could no longer feel Jizabel lying in his arms. He had put a hand on his back to ease the resistance in the other's body but he kept it away when it was shrugged off.

Jizabel buried his head under his arms, trying hard to stifle the sounds he was releasing without intending too.

"Jizabel," Cassian called his name softly.

He was shaking and crying, and Cassian had never seen him like this. Jizabel seemed to have been shocked by something but his body had endured so much recently and he just seemed to be getting better; what had happened all of a sudden?

Cassian didn't say anything and instead slowly pulled the other's long hair off the red lashes on his back.

"You need to rest," Cassian whispered in his ear.

Jizabel's body reacted badly to the sound; he shook suddenly and buried himself deeper, not just physically, but mentally also.

"You can talk to me..."

"Please leave..."

The older man was thrown off suddenly, he almost couldn't believe what he was hearing, "Why?"

"Please…"

He couldn't accept what he was hearing; this wasn't like him. "Why? What's wrong? You should relax…"

He really began to wish people would stop telling him to relax already. Almost without comprehending what he was even doing he scuttled out of bed and left the room quietly. He needed fresh air, he needed to breathe easier; he needed to get away from everything. Why was this happening? The cold that touch his face when he stepped into the yard was more chilling than any of the cold that touched the rest of his body; this reminded him of the tears pouring from his eyes. He was thankful the other hadn't followed him out. He shuddered. He couldn't even think of him.

"Why…"

He felt himself falling apart.

"Why is this happening?" He dropped himself under a tree, sinking his fingers into the grass. "Why now?"

"Jizabel…"

The voice he had despised for so long like so many others was ringing in his ears. It was all in his head; just one more new thing going on inside his head.

"Jizabel, open your eyes," Two strong hands gripped him by his shoulders and shook him into a more upright position; he snapped his eyes open once it all felt too real. Cain.

"Let go of me." He pulled out of his hands, slamming his back into the harsh bark of the tree.

"What are you doing down here?" Cain crouched down more comfortably, but he stared into his eyes with just as much concern as he felt.

"Fresh air."

"Do you know what time it is?"

He shrugged. Riff was standing behind Cain, looking at him with something akin to pity.

"Jizabel," Cain reached out to touch his brother again, trying to steady his nerves, "can you talk to me? Please?" His brother could only reply with a fervent shake of his head. "Riff," he looked over his shoulder at his trusted valet, "leave us." The greatest thing about him was that he didn't have to repeat himself; in just a moment he was gone, but obviously not without regret.

Cain shrugged out of his robe and draped it over his brother's shoulders, shielding him from the cold breeze as he watched him with interest equal to his concern.

"Go inside, Cain; I don't need you here."

"I don't care; I won't leave you alone." He brushed back a thick strand of hair from in front of his brother's face, tucking it behind his ear, "Tell me what's going on; tell me why you went running all of a sudden."

Jizabel shook his head, lips firmly together.

"Should I call Cassian instead?"

"No!"

Cain pulled back a bit, startled. "Are you fighting?"

Cain wondered hard sometimes if his older brother knew at all how much he cared about him, how much he didn't want him to be in pain, to be in tears. He didn't want to see him like this but rather than just close his eyes to it he preferred to try to help him.

The biggest problem was that Jizabel didn't want anyone's help.

"Cain!" Jizabel sunk his fingers into his scalp, "I don't…want to hurt you…"

"I understand…"

"Then leave!"

Cain shook his head again, firm, "I'll stay." He seated himself on the ground, turning himself to sit beside his brother against the tree. "It's been a long few weeks." He pointed out, trying to sound casual about it. "A long few weeks to close up the worst part of our lives." He looked over at his brother, "Longest for you."

"Cain!"

He smiled softly, "I can't sleep until you tell me…"

"I don't know."

Cain continued to stare at him, curiosity in his eyes, "You don't know why? Why Cassian isn't down here with you? I don't think he would have slept through your absence, especially after how protective he's been of you." He watched his brother chew on his lip. "So you…told him to stay away?"

Jizabel rested his aching head on his arms against his knees but he remained quiet.

"Why did you ask him to stay away?"

"Cass…" He exhaled his shaky breath. "Cassandra…"

"Cassandra? What does he…" The slight realization he had hit him hard. "Oh…" He stopped, thinking about what he could say and how he could say it, "What did Cassandra do to you?"

"Cassandra…said a lot of things…"

"What did he say?"

"The truth."

"The truth?"

"About everything. There wasn't anything he…" He stopped himself half way; he felt more tears streaming down his face. Why was his body reacting this way? He didn't feel like he should be acting this way… "He knew everything…"

"What do you mean by everything?"

"Everything I knew; everything in my head."

Cain inhaled sharply but silently, "What was he doing? Harassing you?" The other cringed slightly. "He was harassing you, wasn't he?"

"_I think you and I would make good allies. After all, I know everything about you."_

"Have I proved him right?"

"What could you have proved right?"

"That he knows everything and that…"

"But that…that person inside there is Cassian, not Cassandra; two different people."

"That's what I've been saying."

"Don't you believe it?" To Cain it was beginning to look that way to him. Jizabel honestly began to believe these things. "Are you scared of Cassian? Or…rather, you're scared that Cassian will be like Cassandra…" He knew he was asking him a difficult question, one that his big brother didn't look like he could even answer for himself. "This has really shaken you up."

"I didn't care."

"But you do now." There was a sudden chill in the air, and Jizabel's slender and underdressed body shuddered. "Come inside; we'll drink something warm and we'll talk more."

Jizabel shook his head promptly, "No; I need the fresh air."

"There's a fine line between getting fresh air and catching pneumonia."

"It's not really a fine line." Jizabel whispered, wiping at his face.

Cain raised both of his eyebrows at his brother, "Are you actually joking now?"

"I'm just saying that…"

"Just say yes." He nudged him; shoulder-to-shoulder and smiled. He became serious again once Jizabel did, the small smile fading from his face, "This almost ruined you today, didn't it?" His older brother remained tense and almost malformed in his uncomfortable position, hunched over and shielding himself, burying his expression into his arm; had anyone told him that he would feel such sympathy for this many just a year ago then he would have laughed in their faces. "Stay still." He mumbled.

At the sound of that, Jizabel stiffened further, and his younger brother pulled his arms around him completely. Jizabel's head fell into his younger brother's chest; his ear fell close to his heart. He heard the slow thumping echoing quietly, slightly rushed; how many times he had wished to just end that sound with his own knife. Suddenly that sound didn't sound offensive to him anymore. It didn't hurt to know it was there.

"Cain…" Jizabel called softly, gripping onto the shirt of his little brother's pyjamas.

"Yes?" He sounded wary.

"You know…if I were in the right state of mind I wouldn't let you do this…"

"Then I'll make the best of it, because I want you in the right state of mind from now on; even if it means I'll never get to hug my big brother again."

Jizabel pulled back a bit, although his brother's arms kept him so close it was hard to see him, "Why would you…"

"You don't think that I hate you, do you?"

"I know you don't; but I've always thought there was something wrong with you."

Cain pulled him out at arm's length, "Please don't forget it." Jizabel let his hair hang in front of his face, creating a veil to hide himself with. "Come inside now, and we'll sort things out in the morning."

"I'll stay a bit longer."

"I'll stay with you."

"Go inside."

Jizabel reached over to remove the robe from across his shoulders, until Cain stopped him quickly, speaking in an order, "If you're going to stay out here you should keep it; I'll go to bed but…" He trailed off lightly, watching his big brother's expression fade further into sadness. "Jizabel…are you…"

Jizabel nodded firmly, having predicted his younger brother's question, "Please go inside… I won't be long…"

The teenager nodded and got off the ground, gripping the other's shoulder before he left, regrettably, the other all by himself.

Jizabel curled up on his side, pulling his limbs closer together and resting against the bark of the tree. Inhaling deeply the scents brought back memories of a past so long ago that he would wish for eternity to forget it. The smell of the grass, the cool breeze, the light due sticky to his skin…

"_Mother, why won't you look at me anymore after that day? Mother, where did my sisters go?"_

He didn't want to remember that time; he didn't want to be put in that position again. He couldn't stand to remember the way he was treated by his mother…

"_As you came to me wagging your tail, thinking that you were going to be given something sweet… I swung the axe down onto your neck and then skinned you." _

And the way he was treated by his father…

"I haven't changed…"

Everything now felt almost exactly the same way it did back then; he caved to his brother's kindness and nothing could really keep him from treating him the same way his parents did.

And Cassian…

He shuddered at the thought that Cassian would treat him the same way.

"Would he…"

He shook his head, burying it under his arms. He didn't even want to think of it. He pulled himself up and out of the atmosphere that was only bringing back bad memories, putting ideas into his head that only days ago wouldn't have dared come near him. He ran back inside the house, tiptoeing through the house and back up to his room.

Cassian was laying back in bed, hands behind his head and staring at the ceiling when Jizabel entered quietly. Although he had seen him Jizabel averted his eyes all the way into bed, removing the robes and tossing them onto a nearby chair. He shuffled awkwardly under the covers, closing his eyes slowly. Cassian lay down close to him, waiting on his side; Jizabel looked at him a bit, opening his mouth to speak, but without having any knowledge on what words to force out.

Cassian leaned in, cupping his face and kissing the tear stains on his cheek, "How are you feeling?"

The younger man gave a light shrug, taking the other's hand and staring as it engulfed his own easily. The other leaned in, burying his face in his neck and kissing his skin gently, "If it were possible to go back to my old body just so you wouldn't have to look at this one again and feel pain I would do it."

It was the second time it one night that he was thrown off completely by the words he was hearing. He had almost come to believe that he was imagining it but even he had had to be reasonable; when had he ever really imagined anyone to say beautiful things to him?

"How did you know?"

"I worry about you so much; I suppose I've thought of as much as I can… I just assumed…" He looked up, staring into his lover's eyes with desperation in his own, "I would do it. If I had one more chance…"

"Don't be stupid." Jizabel extended his arms to wrap around his back, "You deserved to get what you wanted… You were too loyal to me."

"Too loyal?" Cassian groaned softly, rolling them over and pulling Jizabel to lie on his chest. "There's no such thing as being too loyal to you."

"Your loyalty got you killed."

"My loyalty was rewarded." He leaned over and kissed his forehead. "And had it not been I would have been satisfied nonetheless."

"Don't say that."

"Why?"

"Because what I did to you is the only thing I've ever done that I have confidence in."

"You're going to have to build some confidence." He kissed his forehead again. "We still have a lot to get used to…"

"It's a poor recovery…"

"Hm? You shouldn't see everything like it's a patient or an experiment."

Jizabel tightened his arms on the other and resisted telling him that at some point in his life a patient and an experiment was exactly what he was.

"You were in a bad state of shock earlier." Cassian pointed out slowly.

"I'm not sure what happened…"

Cassian rolled them over onto their sides again, Jizabel's head resting on his arm, "When you know, and I know you will know eventually, I'd really like it if you told me."

"Okay." Jizabel nodded a bit and let him pull him deeper into his arms. He debated with himself; there was no better or worse in the unknown. He sat up promptly, surprising the other and giving him his back, "I get nightmares…sometimes."

Cassian sat up a bit, hands behind his back for support, "For how long?"

Jizabel half smiled, nervous, "All my life."

Cassian nodded, "Okay." He chewed on his lip, thinking and shifting to sit forward, though not looking much at the other, not wanting to make him uncomfortable, "What kind of nightmares?"

"How much do you know about me?"

"How much? Whatever I've observed and whatever you've told me." He replied and expected the other to answer back with some relevance. He said nothing, staring off at a wall instead. He put a hand on his shoulder, massaging it gently, "What do you need me to do?"

Jizabel glanced to his side, hoarsely asking, "What do you mean?"

"Well…what do you need me to do? When you have a nightmare, what should I do?" Cassian felt himself crumbling in his chest when Jizabel turned his head away in shame. "What can I do? Hold you? Stay away from you? I just don't want to hurt you." Jizabel buried his face lower; was he hurt? Was he ashamed? Cassian inched in and wrapped his arms around his torso, pulling him back to rest against him, "Practice? Should we do that? I'll try something every time you have a nightmare, and we'll see what works, okay?"

"You don't need to do that. I can just walk out or…"

"Don't be stupid," Cassian let them fall back, surprising Jizabel immensely at the sudden movement. "We'll deal with it together."

Those whispered words began lulling him off to sleep; it was rare that there was a sense of peace, even when it was something as simple as being in his own bed. Cassian's arms cradled him gently; he felt like they had been here before.

When the morning came the sun was shining in, and after bathing and changing Jizabel sat on the ground, stretched out in the brightest patch on the ground for most of the day.

"Jizabel…" Mary Weather showed up in front of him, surprising him with the sudden burst of colour her dress brought to his line of vision. "I called the others to tell them about your back."

His back? He tugged at the shoulder of the shirt and felt the sticky red substance scratching against the material and sliding along his skin, "You shouldn't worry."

"There's so much blood."

"It doesn't matter."

Jizabel smiled when he stood up, picking the girl by her hands and leading her to the door, "Step outside and I'll fix it."

When the girl stepped outside, despite the pouty look on her face for practically being kicked out so promptly, he undid his shirt, tossing it aside. It would take more than his two hands to count the number of shirts he had lost to blood stains from the lashings. He sat down at the dressing table, tilting the mirror forwards enough to be able to see his red back in it when he turned around. He reached over for the cloth hanging in a porcelain basin, straining his arm he tried to reach for the edge of a bleeding cut.

"Stop," Cassian hadn't really stormed in, but he was definitely prompt and walked in looking like he was prepared to do some urgent business. "I'll do it."

"I've done this before." Jizabel pointed out.

"I know you have," he'd brought a first aid kit in with him, opening it up on the dresser and turning Jizabel to face the mirror, "so you should take a break." He shared a small smile with Jizabel in the mirror through the mirror, touching his shoulder and instructing him gently, "Lean forward."

Glaring a bit at his partner through the reflection in the mirror Jizabel did what he was asked, leaning forward to rest against the dresser, placing his head on his arms. He didn't hiss or make any sort of reaction as Cassian pressed disinfectant into the wounds. Instead, he smiled lightly, in an almost dreamy state.

"What's with you?" Cassian smiled the same way, "That smile on your face…"

Jizabel chuckled, then shrugged. "Nothing."

There was a soft knock on the door, and Jizabel's smile faded while he jumped. "Relax." Cassian whispered to him, and then looked to the door, "Come in."

Cain walked in, but Cassian didn't pay much attention; his interest was in keeping Jizabel still long enough to finish dressing the wounds.

"I have to admit…it's been a while since I've seen fresh ones." Cain murmured gently.

"I would consider yourself lucky."

Cain could understand Jizabel's suddenly jittery appearance; Cain only ever let Riff see or touch his scars, and Cain could kick himself for not showing his own brother the same respect. "I just wanted to make sure you were alright. I'll be outside."

Cassian's eyes flashed to Jizabel's expression; it had changed. "You don't need to go." He cut Cain off abruptly, but he remained calm and almost monotonous. "We're almost done."

Cain returned slowly; Cassian had put him in an uncomfortable position. He had put them all in an uncomfortable position but the oldest had hoped that some good would come out of it. He left quietly, under the pretence he was going to get the first aid kit re-stocked.

Jizabel stood up and handed Cain the neatly folded robe from the night before. The younger brother knew of the other's pride; the simple gesture meekly told him words of thanks for the night before.

"Do you think we have a chance?"

Jizabel smirked, "I'm the wrong person to ask."

"I think you're the perfect person to ask." Cain retorted with a bit of bite. "If you don't believe it I don't think you can get better."

"It takes a lot to be able to believe it."

Cain was about to argue and then saw something different flash over Jizabel's face; something almost strange, but something that made him happy. He believed it. "You're moving on, aren't you?"

Jizabel sat back against the dresser, staring elsewhere and defending himself with his arms crossed tightly against his chest, "I'm not going to let myself get left behind; the least I can do is try."

"That's good." Cain said supportively. "Although, none of us really intend to leave another behind again."

"I need you to promise me something."

Cain tilted his head to the side; what a sudden change. "It depends what it is."

"Don't let me hold Cassian back; if anything happens to me don't let…"

"Nothing is going to happen to you."

"You don't know that, Cain; you've been called many things that have been true but psychic is not one of them."

Cain stepped closer and took Jizabel's face almost forcefully into one of his hands, "When you've been through all the things that you have in life, I can assure you that you can handle the rest of it. Nothing bad will happen to you."

"You have no basis for your hope."

"That's really what makes it my strength." The teenager remarked. Cain gently put his arms around his big brother's torso, careful not to touch his wounded back, "You're going to be fine."

"I'm in the right state of mind today." Jizabel reminded him.

Cain knew that. He also knew that those were his big brother's hands touching his back. Taking one step forward and two steps back, and Jizabel could still make progress. He admired him, and looked forward to the day he could properly tell him 'welcome home'.

**A/N: Ahh! Finally! It was taking eternity for me to write this. I'm not entirely thrilled with it; Cain in particular is really difficult to write sometimes so I was going mad trying. **

**But yes, this is what I'd imagine the brothers would be like if they had had the chance to settle everything between them. It's a difficult thing to forgive but Cain would have the heart to do so; and Jizabel would have to put the blame for his tragedies in the right place. **

**If you read this far, I'd really really appreciate it if you could leave a review and tell me what you think! Thank you either way! **


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